Nobody types this question into a search bar casually. If you are reading this, you have probably been carrying it for a while, mostly alone, maybe in a language your spouse does not read.
An article cannot answer it, and you should be suspicious of any article that tries. A law firm should not push you toward divorce, and it should not talk you into staying. What this article can do is help you ask the question accurately, because “should I get a divorce” is really three different questions depending on what is happening in your home.
If you are unsafe, this is not a divorce question yet
If there is violence, threats, or a pattern of control that leaves you afraid in your own home, the first question is safety, not paperwork. Do not start by announcing anything. Moments of separation and confrontation can be volatile, so plan quietly and get help first:
- Korean American Family Service Center, 24-hour Korean/English hotline: (718) 460-3800
- New York State domestic violence hotline: 800-942-6906 (text 844-997-2121)
- New Jersey statewide domestic violence hotline: 1-800-572-7233
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233 (text START to 88788)
Both New York and New Jersey courts can issue protective orders quickly; New Jersey’s process is described in our article “How Do I File a Temporary Restraining Order in New Jersey?” A conversation with an advocate or an attorney, before anyone knows you are asking, costs you nothing but time.
If the marriage is temporarily overwhelmed, name that honestly
A newborn, a job loss, a failing business, illness, immigration stress, money pressure, a parent moving in. Seasons like these can make a workable marriage feel finished. Some marriages in this category recover when the season passes or when the couple gets real help carrying it. Some do not. The point is to know which problem you are trying to solve before you solve the wrong one. If there is no abuse and no fear in your home, counseling is worth taking seriously; we wrote separately about when marriage counseling is appropriate.
If the marriage is simply unhappy, you are in the hardest category
No emergency, no dramatic event, just distance that has stopped closing. Two things are true at once. Staying is not automatically noble, and leaving is not automatically freedom. People regret both. This is the category where the practical audit below matters most, because the question “should I divorce” quietly contains a second question: “can I run the life that comes after?”
Do the audit on paper, alone, before making any decision. Not because money should decide your marriage, but because you should decide with your eyes open.
One household becomes two
The same income that ran one home will run two: two rents or a mortgage plus a rent, two sets of utilities, two of everything the children need in both places. Write down what your area actually costs, not what you hope it costs. And if your spouse’s schedule covered mornings, pickups, or sick days, that childcare has a market price after separation. Price it.
Insurance and retirement move
Who carries the health insurance today, and who would after? Life insurance beneficiaries, retirement accounts, and pensions are commonly part of a divorce, and retirement money usually cannot be touched early without real cost. In New York, the moment a divorce case starts, automatic court orders under Domestic Relations Law § 236 freeze big financial moves for both spouses: transferring property, withdrawing retirement funds, changing life insurance beneficiaries, or dropping a spouse or child from health coverage. New Jersey’s rules differ, but in both states, money moved around the time of a divorce can be examined later. Your tax filing status changes too, which is a conversation for a tax professional.
The children’s week, concretely
Not “will they be okay,” which no one can promise in either direction, but the logistics they will live: two homes, one school, exchanges, holidays split, who takes them to practice, where they do homework on Wednesdays. Children ask concrete questions. Parents deciding about divorce should be able to answer them concretely.
If the audit looks frightening, that is not a verdict that you must stay. It may mean support, maintenance, and property division need to do real work in any settlement, which is exactly what a lawyer helps you evaluate. If the audit looks survivable, that is not a verdict that you must go. Either way, you now know what you are actually deciding.
The one hard rule
Whatever you decide, decide in the right order: before you move money, before you leave the home, and before you sign anything, talk to a lawyer.
People damage their own cases in the quiet weeks before anyone files. They transfer savings to a relative, thinking it is protection. They move out with no interim plan and discover the arrangement they left behind has become the temporary status quo. They sign a “simple agreement” a spouse drafted at the kitchen table. Every one of these is easier to prevent than to repair, and in New York the automatic orders described above make the timing rules explicit once a case begins.
A consultation is not a commitment to divorce. It is an hour in which someone maps your actual situation, your assets, your timeline, your obligations, and what would happen next if you did nothing at all. Many people walk out of that conversation and choose to work on the marriage. That is a fine outcome. They chose it informed.
A note on endurance
In many Korean families, endurance is treated as a virtue and divorce as a public failure, something that shames parents and unsettles a church community. Those pressures are real and worth taking seriously; they are part of your life. But gathering information in private is not a betrayal of your family. It is how you take care of one. Deciding to understand your options is not the same as deciding to leave. A Korean-language version of this article is available, and Korean-language communication is available at the firm.
This office works by a simple rule: preserve the family when it can be preserved. Protect the client when it cannot. If your situation is serious, contested, urgent, or simply unclear, contact Jake Kim Law Firm to discuss whether legal representation may be appropriate.
Sources
- N.Y. Domestic Relations Law § 236 (automatic orders) — New York State Senate
- N.Y. Domestic Relations Law § 170 (grounds for divorce) — New York State Senate
- Divorce self-help — New Jersey Courts
- Korean American Family Service Center (24-hour hotline)
- NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence — get help
- Domestic violence self-help — New Jersey Courts
- National Domestic Violence Hotline